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Your Partner Is Not a Sleeper Cell

Cellphones, GPS units, the ubiquity of cameras, phone applications that can track where people at to near pinpoint accuracy. These are merely the personal technologies that the general populace has to expand an already over-burdened anxious mind with more information than it can take. When considerations are made concerning this type of technology at the national stage and how we are inundated with analysis of its meaning for our rights and privileges, with spy satellites, street cameras,

and drones, there has come to exist a mentality that everyone is and should be watched, monitored and minutely considered in their every action. This social spy-state of affairs insinuates itself into our consciousness and finds itself manifesting in individual relationships, both friendly and romantic, such that trust is no longer an issue of identity but a contingent commodity that begins at a loss and rarely rises to a positive.
Trust is an elusive and amazing feature of relationships, often mistaken for being given only in the retrospect when it has been broken. By that I mean it is rare for someone to declare “I give you my trust” at the beginning of a relationship, but quite more often is heard “I trusted you and you betrayed me” or some facsimile. We’ve all been there, including myself, and I have written before on apologies (The Soft Tyranny of "I'm Sorry") and forgiveness (The Inner Projection of Forgiveness). Rather than delving into those topics at this time, I want to get further into the mindset of wariness that so permeates our human interactions. Trust seems an issue of identity, we implicitly trust or endorse the honesty of the individual in front of us unless painfully obvious clues lead us to think otherwise, accepting at the very least on trust that the words issuing from their lips mean a particular thing or reference similar thoughts that we ourselves carry. Trust at this basic level is so pervasive that we rarely give it a conscious thought, leading as I noted a few sentences previously that it is often only in retrospect we realize we’ve gone and trusted. This basic trust is the backbone of all interactions, without it we’d get nothing done or at minimum our communication would devolve into such pedantic utterances we’d never make any progress in conversation. This backbone however is not without some spots of concern.
Those points of concern are precisely what is brought out, danced about and peddled, often for monetary gain, by fear-mongering individuals, organizations and news networks. Shark attacks rarely happen and yet “Shark Week” in the United States is one of the most watched orgies of vicarious thrills on television. Despite abuse and kidnapping occurring far more often by relatives than by strangers (and frankly even these numbers are abysmally low given the sheer number of children out there), playgrounds and grass yards in front of houses are no longer places of enjoyment but anxiety-ridden geographic locations of predatory menace. Fueled by ignorance as to just what sex offenses often are or the context of their occurrence (not at all minimizing the very real horror of the crimes committed under this category), potential dates are looked up on national sex-crime databases open to the public or if you’re really wanting to give yourself a scare you can simply see if one is located near your house, never mind how long they’ve been living there without any difficulty at all. I won’t even go into Google, that social standard of search programs that seems like the holy grail for assuaging or stoking parental fears previous to a child’s date, regardless of how long that child has been an adult.
All of this fear, anxiety and concern is like social molasses, making it difficult to move around let alone swim or god forbid frolic with abandon. Let me be clear here that I am not promoting the abject abnegation of rationality for the rainbows and bunnies of a fantasy world where everyone is completely altruistic and one need never concern themselves with safety. That’s as clearly ridiculous as the opposite existence of constant fear. What I am here noting is being aware of how relating to the world skews our perceptions and this is far more about ourselves than the person we’re engaged with. I’ll back up and explain since this thought is a bit of a leap from where I was at.    Read more


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Is It Ever OK To Spy on Your Partner?

What if your partner ran out for a second and left his or her e-mail or text messages open? Would you read them?

According to a new survey by OurTime.com, “33% of Americans aged 18 and over, believe it’s OK to snoop through a significant other’s text messages, voicemails and email if ‘bad behavior’ is suspected.” This begs the question: Do two wrongs ever make a right?

Is it ever OK to spy on your partner’s electronic communications?

Spying or snooping is considered a big faux pas in relationships, yet many people end up infringing on a partner's privacy to catch a glimpse of what they think is going on. Among older generations, people kept diaries and there was a strict code of privacy surrounding them. It was never okay to read another person's private diary. In today’s world of electronic communications, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply to our electronic communications.
Whether we refer to a person’s private diary or electronic messages, snooping constitutes a betrayal of trust, and trust is an essential ingredient in any relationship. If you feel the urge to snoop, you should ask yourself whether you want the relationship to last. If you do, breaking trust by snooping adds negative baggage to the relationship, even though you may suspect bad behavior. Two wrongs don't make a right when it comes to relationships.

In addition, what if you spy and don't find the suspected bad behavior? Do you then reveal what you've done? Most likely, you keep it a secret, and that’s what you were concerned about in the first place. Read more